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 On the Nature of Tasers...

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HeavensGaze
Canis Familiaris
Canis Familiaris


Number of posts : 51
Registration date : 2007-08-10

PostSubject: On the Nature of Tasers...   Mon Jan 28, 2008 2:04 pm

This is one of the funniest things I have ever heard of in regards to human stupidity, and it also demonstrates the power of tasers XD

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his

lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??



'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.



I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get

the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.



AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.



I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to

give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and taser in another.



The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,

'no possible way!'



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it master,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.


I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!'



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note

of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!



You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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